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under_control
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» desolation Well, I'm back. Things are already fading. Things that seemed so important as they were happening or immediately afterwards. I'll tell you the most important thing I learned in my wanderings through the desert. I learned that there is always a fence between you, on the road, and the beautiful places you see off in the distance. You can stop and walk off the road, but there is a fence there, wrapped with barbed wire. The fence is out there on the roadside, and it is inside of me too. It keeps me from approaching strangers and asking them questions. It keeps me from driving out into the pure darkness and standing alone under the stars. It keeps me on the road, "making time" even when the real road-side fences are nowhere to be seen. Cowardice, in many forms. That is the fence I took with me into the desert. That is what I found there. At least, I found the name for something I didn't recognize before. I was disgusted with myself, but proud also, because simply leaving was a demonstration that I can overcome it. The desert, to me, is more beautiful than the mountains or the pine forests or the sea. I was alone. Really alone for miles around. It was cold in the desert. I drove through a blizzard one day. Snow on the cacti and scrub brush. Outside of Winslow, Arizona it was dry and windy, and cold. I spent an entire day wandering across mesas and scrambling along canyon floors. I didn't see a single other person the entire day. It was wonderful. When I returned to Berkeley, It seemed that someone had spent the entire week planting thousands of trees here. Berekley looked strange to me. My apartment looked alien. My computer confused me at first. I didn't feel at home again until night covered everything. But now, just as I was settling down to write this entry, I've received an e-mail from my ex-wife. I haven't heard from her for months, but she's been on my mind much of the day today. Then this e-mail, asking if I was still at the same address because she wanted to finally send me the suit I bought for our wedding and some family photos of mine that she has. Suddenly I want no more solitude. I want all of my friends around me. I want food and drink and music and laughter.
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diaryland |