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under_control
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» comedy I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I continue to be distracted and confused at times, but I know that I am closer now to being the person that I am than I've ever been. I'm feeling more comfortable with myself, with the choices I make. Or perhaps I should say that I am feeling more comfortable with the reasoning behind the choices I make. I'm not "there" yet, but I at least know now that there is a "there" to get to. I feel that I am starting on a path to understanding myself, and that is the only way to really be happy. I'm even prepared to concede that I may have made a false start, gone in the wrong direction. But at least I started, and I'm willing to go back and start over. One thing that suprises me... I feel much more relaxed; more curious about the world; more pleased to see the sun in the sky and the stars at night and kids playing and all that sappy stuff. And somehow, at the same time, I feel that I'm not afraid of being dead. Now, that's a crazy sounding statement, I know. I'm scared to Hell of dying...the process of becoming dead. But the thought of no longer existing does not bother me now. Perhaps that will change, but right now, the truth as I see it tells me that existance is suffering, even when we are happy, sadness and pain are always waiting for us. And existence is meaningless in the scheme of things. The best we can do is to bring happiness to ourselves and others. The most noble pursuit is to help alleviate the suffering that others feel. Back in my college days I performed improvisational comedy. I thought that comedy was a wonderful thing because it made people laugh and forget their sorrows. Now I see comedy differently. If a person says to him or herself, "I want to laugh right now, because existence is suffering and I want to stop suffering for a while, I want to smile and laugh and feel connected to humanity," then I think that comedy is a wonderful thing. However, I know that most people seek the relief of comedy without truly knowing why. Comic relief is what we call those short scenes in Shakespeare's tragedies. We learn that they were thrown in, partly to make the tragic play more endurable for the rowdy audience in the pit. But how many of us realize that Comic relief applies to our lives...the tragedy that we know is always waiting at the end of our days. It is the use of comedy without any sort of enlightment as to its purpose that makes me uneasy. Ah well. Enough for right now. It's hard to imagine, as I read this back to myself, that these are the words of someone who feels happy and mostly content, and not depressed. But I certainly do feel happy. Happier than I have for a while.
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diaryland |