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OK, I'm snapping out of it. She's so sweet, and her kisses make me smile just thinking about them, but I feel stronger than ever and I feel like I've learned more about myself and life thanks to this little drama than I've learned in years. And she introduced me to Snood, which I have been playing, with due restraint. So, I'll copy here my words from a journal entry I wrote as she lay sleeping in my bed on the first sunny morning of 2001... 01-01-01It was nothing cataclysmic. No death. No new lover. Nothing expected. It was a tiny change of direction, and suddenly the day spent napping with the windows open to admit soft breezes that rustled the Fall leaves outside our window, that day will never be repeated and will exist only in imperfect memory. I awake beside her today, but we are two new people. We have destroyed a connection in favor of something weaker, tepid, which is fraught with misunderstanding and constraint, on my part at least. I see the sun shine on her red hair as it falls across my green pillow. My heart breaks again. I struggle with emotions that I've been told I should be feeling. But really, I think I'm sad because I feel nothing. I feel empty. I feel disconnected yet again from the privilege of human contact. And now I will sit and wait for her to come fully awake, and we will pass another day in a slightly awkward bidding to bring us one day closer to her departure. I will wait here, trying to label all of my insecurities and jealousies. I know that there is nothing more reprehensible than many of the thoughts in my mind, so I must sit here, like a game warden, watching each run past and shooting it with a tranquilizer dart so that I might examine, categorize and incarcerate each impulse that dashes through my mind. In this way we turn painful experiences into personal growth. We get worn down and wise. We become subdued but masterful.
Drama, no?
Well, life goes on, and I still get to talk to her and enjoy her company, over the phone at least.
This is your life, and it's disappearing one second at a time. Experience each of those seconds.
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