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under_control
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» doubtful I was pretty happy with myself a few months ago. I thought I had a handle on things. I felt good about myself, where I was going, the friendships I had made, my definition of "success." But this week things have begun to crumble, or so it seems. I find myself in a (admittedly tenuous) relationship with a woman, and suddenly I doubt my own desirability. A crazy e-mail stalker has me questioning my life's goals and my idea of what success is. I wonder how deep my few friendships really are. I'll be seeing the young woman I met last month again on Saturday. I'd like to see her more often, but she lives 3,000 miles away. (No, we didn't meet via the Internet.) She's very sweet, and she calls me at least twice a week to talk, which I enjoy immensely, and although we know very little of each other's motives in this relationship, I fear that my heart will end up broken when all is said and done. I have so many doubts. I thought that I knew what it was that I wanted from life, or at least what I didn't want. But now I'm a bit confused. What does it mean to be "successful?" Can I be successful and still be relatively poor and unknown. Isn't part of success renown, even in a small feild? I need to figure this out. I'd like to try my hand at photography and film-making, but if I don't make it big, does that mean I'm a failure? Should I be trying to climb to the top of the corporate ladder? Do I hate working in the corporation because it's evil, or just because I'm too lazy to try to get ahead? But what if I leave my job? What if I cash out my stock options and leave? I can live for a year without working, but what do i do? Travel? Yes. Move away from San Francisco? Probably, if I want to find a cheap place to live. Go back to school? Most likely, but to study what? I feel like I should know what I want to do with my life by now. I'm almost 30. What about the friends I have? Do they respect me the way that I respect them? Proust said (and I paraphrase) that Love is one allowing another to love; that when two people are in love, it is actually one giving in to the love of another. This is an unbalanced relationship, and yet it rings true in my experience. Does the same hold true for friendships? I often feel that Iris condescends to be my friend because I solicit her to tell me about her problems. I do this because I respect her and I like to feel that I am a part of her life. This puts me in the weaker position. Oh well... my mind is running away with me here and I can't keep up in typing with all the confusion I've generated. I hope to return with a more clear and positive outlook, but the pessimist in me (or rather the part of my reasoning which believes that we should always expect the worst to avoid disappointment) fears that I will return singing the blues. And I feel like I've already paid so many of my dues.
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diaryland |