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under_control
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» atrocious behavior Sometimes it all seems so useless; all the effort. Maybe the way I feel today is nothing more than a chemical inbalance in my brain, but I'm twitching, literally twitching with disgust, frustration, hopelessness and tension. I don't want to go into details. Who cares about details. God I would love to get into a fist-fight right now, with anyone. I can feel all of my muscles tensed in my hands and my back and my neck. I can hear the drone of the various Business Development guys sitting around me, trying to convince smaller companies to sell themselves out to us. I would like to go at it with any of them, right here in the middle of the sea of cubes, just beat the hell out of one of them and tell my boss to fuck off. Even the people who I consider my friends are pissing me off today. I'm taking everything as a personal slight. I'm interpretting everything in the most negative way possible. I'm accomplishing nothing. What is there to accomplish here anyway? Fucking corporate bilge that we pump out onto the Internet. What really makes me most angry off all, aside from the annoyances that keep cropping up; aside from the overwhelming feeling that nobody gives a rat's ass what I'm doing; is that I know that I'm just being petty and unbalanced and psycho today. This is the sort of behavior that I despise in other people. I know that I'm just being annoying and I can't get outside of it. I can't just say to myself, "Hey, you're just taking it all the wrong way, you have no right to feel this way. Look at the poor Ogoni people of the Ivory Coast, being exploited for their region's crude oil. My life is pretty fucking cushy." Maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll feel normal again tomorrow and I'll look at this and have a strong desire to erase it. |||
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