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under_control
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» cruel to be kind I've heard a lot about the importance of "learning to love yourself" over the last few months. I've even said that I suppose it's a good idea. But in reality I can never really figure out what that means. What does it mean, to love? What do I mean when I say that I love someone else? If I can't answer that question then how can I possible love myself? I suspect that when I love someone else I labor to make them happy. I assume that this desire to make someone happy extends beyond the time when I realize that they "love" me in return. When I love someone, it makes me happy to make them happy. Nevermind the fact that I generally want to make everyone happy, and thus the cause of a great deal of anxiety over multiple social invitations for the same evening. So, when I love someone, I strive to see them truly content. And in that way I demonstrate my love. OK. I suppose then that were I to love myself, I would be spending a great deal of time trying to make myself happy. And, well, I can honestly say that most of my actions are geared toward achieving that goal. I guess that means that I love myself pretty well. But then there are those times, and I can't imagine that I'm the only one here, when I take some sort of pleasure in making myself miserable. I'll dwell on an unpleasant memory or I'll deny myself something easily obtained. Something about the pathos of the situation is also pleasant in a melodramatic way. And when I eventually stop tormenting or denying myself, everything seems better for a short time. So if I deny myself pleasures, when I love myself, in order to heighten the sensation of happiness in the future, at the cessation of the denial, does this coincide with those seemingly irrational desires we feel when we love someone else? I'm talking about those desires that lead to songs titled, "Cruel to Be Kind." Is that why we sometimes can't resist doing mean, infantile, and odious things to those we love? Or am I just a horrible, horrible person?
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diaryland |