under_control

"Jane remember second grade? You said you couldn't stand my face. Rather than kiss me you said you'd rather die."

One Angry Dwarf and 200 Solemn Faces
- Ben Folds Five

I've taken advantage of the fact that I work for a "dot-com" as people like to call them. Just before the markets crashed I sold a number of options and bought myself the filmaking equipement I've wanted to get my hands on since I was 13 years old.

I can distinctly remember standing outside on the deck of my parent's home in Ohio. It was Fall and the sassafras tree that shaded most of the deck was bare but still smelled slightly of shaving cream. I was looking at the reflection of myself in the sliding glass door and I told myself that if could not be and inventor or an astronomer, I would be a director and make movies.

The inventing passion died out in High School, when I realized that my fellow "engineering club" members were insufferable nerds (as opposed to the geeks that I now work with).

Astronomy's siren song faded in college after a night spent in the University of Iowa's Hills Observatory. I've never experienced anything so unrewarding in my life. Observing a newly-discovered nova turned into a lesson in tedium and mathematic inadequacy.

So now I will be trying my hand, in my sparse spare time, at the last of my life-long dreams.

On my trip to Vancouver earlier this year I met Iris. At the time I was complete overcome with a crush. I only talked to her for about thirty minutes, but that night I lie in bed thinking to myself, "Now there's a woman who could really make a man happy for the rest of his life." (I guess these are the sorts of things men think to themselves.)

Iris is a friend of rmutt and particulary of his fiancé. So a few months later, as I was beginning to despair of ever finding a suitable candidate to hire, rmutt mentioned that Iris was sending a résumé in to me. I was a bit flustered.

As more unlikely candidates passed through the interview process I began to consider Iris more and more.

She was more qualified than some of the more personable canditates and much more personable than all of the qualified candidates. But I was a bit worried about hiring her, not only because it would involve bringing another Canadian into America on a TN1 visa, but also becuase I had found her so attractive on our first meeting. "Nothing but trouble can come of this," I warned myself.

It's actually been much easier than I had anticipated. Even though rmutt, Iris and I spend a good deal of time socializing outside of work, I've easily come to view her as a fun person to be with, and not a potential date. Besides, the company could fire me in a heartbeat for dating a someone who reported to me. Gotta love corporate America!

I mentioned Iris because of the very sage thing she said to me just last week when she and rmutt and I found ourselves at an all-night diner in the Castro at 3:30am.

She was describing her impressions of the people she'd met so far here in San Francisco. Particularly she was talking about the women we work with and the friends of theirs that she had met over the last week or two.

She pointed out that the all are vocally lamenting the fact that they couldn't find a good man to love. A few of them are even complaining that their bological clocks are ticking loudly in support of child-bearing.

Iris said that this seemed very sad to her because of of these women were so incontent with their own lives, and hoping to meet someone who would take them _out_ of their current situations and _away_ from themselves. She said that she had been guilty of this sort of low self-esteem behavior herself, but had learned to be happy being alone before looking to meet someone to be with.

This comment checked me into the wall like a toothless hockey player. I looked at my own life and became very aware that I have been in danger of thinking the same way. Some part of me has been aware of Iris's words, but hearing them come out of her set everything in order and made it clear.

Now more than ever I need to be fulfilled by my own life and accomplishments and look less to the outside for approval.