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under_control
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» radio carbon dating I really ought to be going to bed, but I want to get these thoughts down before the mood wears off and they lose their impact on me. First thought: Did you ever have a phyisics teacher who tried to demonstrate some law of motion by having the class pair up and toss water-balloons or eggs back and forth? The idea being that the farther you moved apart, the more likely it was that the egg/balloon would burst. So then the teacher showed how in order to catch the egg/balloon safely at a distance, you had to "give" a bit. As the egg sailed into your hand you had to move your hand back in the direction of travel of the egg, cushioning it's landing. I think when they say that 'time heals all wounds,' what they really mean is that the mind eventually learns how to cushion the blow of painful memories in much the same way that we learn how to give a bit when catching an egg thrown from across the playground. This weekend, while in someone's car, a memory of my life with G came sailing out of my subconcious. A year ago it would have hit me like a fast-moving egg from 20 yards. But this time my mind just sort of registered it and fluidly moved on to the next distraction. The impact was completely dampened. For whatever it's worth. Next thought: Dating. One friend this weekend opted to hang out with the guys instead of going over to visit his tired and upset girlfriend who had called him to tell him what a bad week she'd been having. The other two guys present told him he was making the right decision. He said that it wasn't worth "scoring points" to give up his personal time. I was incredulous. Is this how it really is? I don't understand "scoring points." If you feel affection towards someone, how can you not desire to be with them, especially when they are unhappy and need some company? I feel like I'm missing something. I feel uncool and uninformed. Also on Dating: rmutt and I talked today as he drove us to Berkeley. While crossing the Bay Bridge he confessed that he was getting too old for the world of dating. He explained that it gets a bit tiresome after a while; meeting a woman, becoming intrigued by her, long nights spent talking and then making love, and finally the realization that they must either leave off or move on to the "next level." This depressed the hell out of me. But then he told me that he couldn't even force himself to be interested in women anymore because he knew exactly how every relationship would follow the pattern described above, and it was too draining to continue. He proposed to the woman he'd been seeing on and off for the last 12 years. By this time I was numb with a sense of doom. I don't ever want to be that jaded, but I can imagine it happening. Last thought: Tennesse Williams created the character of Blanche DuBois (if memory serves) for the play "A Streetcar Named Desire." Her most memorable line is, "I've always relied on the kindness of strangers." I read that play in high school, as most did, and the line really meant nothing to me. But just last night, while out with Red and a few others, she sat next to me at the bar and affected a dramatic air, repeating Blanche DuBois' line with a faint Southern accent. This time the line sent chills down my spine. I realized right there that Blanche DuBois was not simply a creation of Tennesse Williams. She is a real woman, many real woman, just like Red, who flit vapidly through life on the currency of their stunning beauty and adroit ability to manipulate those around them. And just like Blanche, someday Red's charms will begin to fade and she will suffer in a way that I can't even imagine. And while on the subject of Red, just tonight, as I walked to the movie theater with A.S., she pointed out that a co-worker of ours was utterly deluded to even imagine Red would be interested in him. She invoked some sort of rule for pairing off that seemed to dictate that certain types of men had no business approaching certain types of women. This confused me more than anything else. How am I supposed to know my place in this dating caste system? Will I be secretly ridiculed if I make advances toward a woman "outside of my reach?" I think I might just give this whole thing up. But first I'll sleep on it.
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diaryland |