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under_control
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» dis-scusion Another day ends and again I sit here rattling keyboard keys with cold fingers. Today G called me at work. I guess it's a good sign for my recovery that I had to pause for a second to match a voice to a person. Instead of the typical adrenaline rush I used to experienced when I spoke with her, today I felt sullen. G: Hi, how are you? T: Oh...I'm well, how're you? G: Pretty good. How's your new promotion? T: Oh, It's alright. How's [campany name]? I see the billboards for them around here. "More informative than a trip to the office water cooler." G: (laughs) Yeah, it's pretty good. -pause- G: Have you made any progress in finding a lawyer? T: No, sorry. I had a really hectic week last week. I only had Tuesday evening to myself and I was still so tired from Vancouver that I just slept. I'm trying to get more info about [company name]'s counselling service, but I have to go through our favorite HR rep, [name of HR rep for my company who once refused to interview G for an open position because we were married, but who later apologized when she discovered that G was entirely qualified for the job]. G: Oh, yeah... T: I'll find someone and let you know what's going on by Thursday. -pause- G: I had an ultrasound last week. It was really neat! T: Really? How's your poetry going? -pause- G: Oh, it's fine. -long pause- G: Oh, I subleted my place and I've moved in with Barry. It's kinda weird because I'm still responsible for the place and if it's gets trashed it's my problem. T: Yeah. G: So I wanted to give you the number here in case something comes up... T: Well, I have your work number. I should be able to contact you there right? You're not quitting or anything? G: Oh. Uh, No... -longer pause- G: Well, Ok. I'll talk to you later I guess...bye. T: Bye. I guess this disgruntled apathy is the next step in getting over her and the relationship. I guess that's good. It's odd that I felt like a better person when I was still in the two years of denial. I feel like a petulant child sometimes now. I'm ashamed to admit that I think things like "Fuck you Bitch-whore" in my head when I think of her sometimes. But that's the truth. I know that I'm not a bad person. I suppose these feelings are normal and healthy... Bah... I really don't feel like talking about it any more right now. I stayed up all night Saturday/Sunday. Got home around noon and slept until another friend called at 1pm to invite me out for a movie and tapas with a different group than the Saturday night revellers. I snatched another hour of sleep before getting showered and heading back to San Fran for a 5:30pm showing. Then yummy tapas, then home and bed still wearing my jeans. I'm tired still.
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diaryland |