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under_control
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» career goals Stumble home at 1:30am after spending Monday night in a bar in Noe Valley. I can think of worse ways to spend a Monday night. At least I wasn't there drinking alone. A group of tech industry types from the various online publishing companies meet at The Dubliner every Monday night. Tonight was special because we gathered to wish a friend good luck as she moved from CNET to The Industry Standard. There's a lot of moving around in this industry. Before working for CNET she had worked at ZDNet, the two biggest rivals in the online publishing industry. Now she's moving on again. Not uncommon at all. Tonight I learned that there is a good possibility that I could move to a completely new department within my own company. I would be in charge of a very interesting new website. It sounds like such a great opportunity. But when I'm sitting here alone in my apartment I think about things a bit differently. I'm afraid of being lured too deeply into this company. I've given them four years of my life already. I hold them responsible to a small degree for the problems which led up to my separation from G. The tech publishing industry is not where I wanted to be when I was struggling through college, it was just a chance to make some money until something better came along. Now I can potentially make more money than I ever expected to make. I have stock options that vest over the next three years, but only if I stay here. These options could easily make me a millionare if things go well. But, I'm feeling more and more like I need to walk away from all of this. Maybe it's too late to think about this. I'm exhausted and still buzzed and filled with self-doubt. I have a horrible record for carrying through projects that I start. What if I give up a chance to be fairly comfortable, if not well off, and I blow it because I just lack the drive to do anything else? Why can't I be passionate about something other than falling in love? Why can't I focus on something and become an expert? Why is it that I have to suffer because too many things interest me and I can't settle on a single thing to study and perfect? In a way I envy narrow-minded people who can only see three feet in front of their faces. I envy the dumpy geek who knows everything there is to know about Linux. I wish I could be an amateur ornithologist or a scuba instructor. But it just takes too long and there are so many things I want to dabble in and learn about. OK, clearly I shouldn't try to write an entry under these conditions. I hope I can write some tomorrow, even though I'm supposed to go out to a bar again tomorrow night for Sabrina's B-day. I wanted to share the e-mail that rmutt got from his 13 year old sister about how young people dress and act. It was a real mind boggler. Now for bed. A cold, empty bed.
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