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under_control
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» walk the walk In my cube well before 9am, things are soothing. The weak sun is filtering in through the stainless steel microblinds over my left shoulder. I can hear fellow employees I've never met fumbling around in other departments seperated from mine only by a lack of interest. In twenty minutes it will be business as usual and I will fidget and feel guilty for not giving 100% (or even 60%) of my attention to the work before me. I'm in a situation. It's nothing terrible. There's no medical problem and the only relationship I've ever been in has basically been dead for two years (even if that reality has yet to sink in to the degree it needs to), so it's not a relationship problem. The situation is one in which I finally realize that I need to do something with my life beyond just sitting around soaking up paychecks for work that I find uninspiring at best. OK, maybe I don't NEED to do something different, but I WANT to do something different. The question is, what? I've been working in corporate America going on four years. I've become soft and squishy inside because they keep giving me a raise every year, and for some reason I keep getting promoted annually (although I don't know what I've ever done to deserve a promotion). Now I'm making twice what I started at just four years ago, and I'm about to walk in to the Editor-in-chief's office at 10:30am to demand another 20% raise (the first time I've ever asked for more money). See, I want to start saving this year, because I really really want to scrap all this next year, when I'm 29, and go back to school. Or was it to try to break into the film industry? Or did I want to study photography, or become a writer? See, I still haven't narrowed it down. Now MJ comes along and springs this new dilemma on me. He takes me out to see a beautiful, huge duplex in the Presidio yesterday. I go along thinking that he just wanted company, and I was happy to get away from the office for a while. The place is impressive. The Presidio is swanky. MJ asks if I'd like in on the place for $1200 a month (that's $4700 a month total, this IS San Francisco after all). Now, I've been living in the same crummy, tiny, horrid little month-to-month garret since I got here over two years ago. I need to get out. Too many bad memories, I can't have anyone over, I can't cook in it. It's deplorable. But can I suddenly start paying over twice my current rent to live in luxury with MJ and his girlfriend and another person? I like them all, it would alleviate my mild loneliness, it's a gorgeous place ripe for dinner parties and get-togethers. But how would I save up the money to live my dream of walking away from the corporation? What if I don't take the place, and I don't leave the company either? See the stupid predicament? I feel stupid even writing about it and wasting the space, but it's the current thing gnawing at my brain. Oh there are other things I'd like to write about. Maybe I'll add an entry later.
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diaryland |